


Sticks and Stones

by hjcallipygian



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-01
Updated: 2005-04-01
Packaged: 2018-02-06 05:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1846312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hjcallipygian/pseuds/hjcallipygian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Scoobies are attacked by a vicious, malformed demon with an obscure weakness -- and the event almost proves too much for Giles to handle. Written for the Point-And-Laugh Ficathon of 2005.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sticks and Stones

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank-you to the wonderful [](http://liz-marcs.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://liz-marcs.livejournal.com/)**liz_marcs** , my talented beta for this story, and to my brother, who helped with some of the attacks used.
> 
> This is my entry for the [Point-And-Laugh Ficathon](http://geocities.com/pal_athon) (PALathon). I sent it in to the organizers Wednesday night, and they have all the stories up on the website I linked to. Anyway: here's my entry, _Sticks and Stones_ , a Season-Two Scoobies friendship funny story.
> 
> Well, hopefully funny. That's kind of more your decision.

Buffy glanced back at her friends as they patrolled one of the many Sunnydale graveyards together. Xander smiled at her, as he always did; Willow smiled and waved cheerfully, as she always did. Buffy grinned and rolled her eyes. As goofy and strange as the pair could be, sometimes she thought they were better friends than she deserved.

Especially after what happened at the beginning of the school year -- but she didn't want to think about that.

Buffy turned around and walked backwards in front of them. "Not that I don't appreciate the company, or the fascinating discourse on Dick Grayson's backside," -- Willow blushed -- "but are you two sure you wanna come with? Cemetery patrols, pretty lame."

"No, we wanna be here," Willow said immediately. "Quality slay time together. It's good."

Xander nodded his agreement. "We're right behind you. Or, rather, in front of you. I think." He paused for a moment. "Does it change if someone's walking backwards?"

"Nope," Willow said.

"Okay. Behind you metaphorically, in front of you literally, until you turn around again and then it's behind you all the way," Xander said.

Buffy laughed and turned back around. "You guys could walk with me, you know, instead of behind me."

"Well, the view is--" Xander cut off as Willow smacked him in the shoulder. "Ow! Okay, coming up to walk with you. Here we come."

Xander and Willow moved to either side of Buffy as they patrolled. The three friends talked and laughed, completely oblivious to the large, gray-skinned demon that silently crept behind them. The demon was ugly, even by demon standards, and had a number of strange features: its knees bent the opposite direction of a human's, thick skin which looked much like an alligator's, and two elbow joints on each arm. Its hands ended in long, clawed fingers.

The demon got within twenty feet of the Scooby Gang. Then, a strange thing happened.

"Geez, this cemetery is just _dead_ tonight," Buffy said.

Willow groaned, which covered the noise of the demon's hiss. A long, thin cut appeared across its face, and a bright blue blood freely flowed.

"Well, you know what they say," Xander said. "No newbs is good newbs."

This time, both Willow and Buffy groaned, but it was not nearly enough to drown out the demon's roar of pain as a large gash opened up across its chest.

The Scoobies spun around, and Buffy quickly moved to stand slightly in front of her two friends.

"I think we engaged the Hellmouth's sense of irony," Willow said.

"That's not irony, that's ugly," Xander said.

"Well, I'm about to put my ire knee into its ugly face," Buffy punned.

The demon roared again as a second long gash opened up across its chest. It swiped a long, clawed hand at Buffy -- who stood at least fifteen feet away from it -- and ran away.

The Scoobies stared at the retreating demon, their mouths open.

"Uh..." Willow finally managed.

Together, Xander and Buffy said, "Huh?"

:#:

The next morning in the library at school, Buffy, Willow, and Xander related the events of the previous night to Giles, high school librarian and Watcher extraordinaire.

They talked about the lack of vampires, and Giles nodded absently. They mentioned the huge demon that snuck up on them, and Giles's eyes narrowed. Buffy described the demon's physiology, and Giles's eyes grew wide. When Buffy described the way the demon retreated in pain after she made her pun, Giles's jaw dropped.

"Oh, dear Lord," Giles whispered. He stared out into space, his eyes blank with shock.

Buffy, Willow, and Xander glanced at one another as Giles remained completely still. "Uh..." Xander said.

Willow waved her hand in front of Giles's face; Giles thoroughly ignored it. "Buffy?" Willow said. "I think we broke him."

Buffy's face scrunched in thought for a moment before she broke out in a sly grin. "I have an idea," she mouthed silently to Willow and Xander. Out loud, she said, "Well, guys, I guess we'll have to research this on our own. Xander, grab some grub, and let's hit the books."

Giles jerked out of his stupor at the threat of food near his books. "No, no," he said quickly. "That's quite all right, thank you." He glared at Buffy, while Willow and Xander grinned.

"Glad to have you back, G-man," Xander said.

Giles closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and refrained from comment. "I need you to look for comatose little boys, Buffy -- for surely, this must be some sort of nightmare scenario turned real."

"But I don't wanna sing!" Willow blurted out. Xander put a hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Will," Buffy said. "Giles is just being melodramatic."

Before anyone could say more, the library doors swung open and Cordelia Chase entered. She had on a tight-fitting camouflage t-shirt, a short black denim skirt, and black knee-high boots. "Okay, losers, I'm ready to fight evil. What's going on?" she snapped as she struck a tough pose just inside the doorway.

No one spoke for a moment.

"I'm convinced, G-man," Xander said. "This is definitely a recurring nightmare of mine." He paused for a moment, and then added softly, "Of course, depending on what she's wearing under all that, it could be an entirely different type of dream."

Not softly enough. "As if! Eww!" Cordelia shuddered. She looked around at the others, but no one spoke. "Whatever. I'm out of here. I'd rather the world end than hang out with all of you lame-oids again." She spun on her heel and stalked back out of the library.

Everyone was silent again, until, again, Xander spoke. "Not a nightmare. She never leaves, in the nightmares."

Giles sighed. "Of course, you're right, Xander." He stood up and pulled off his glasses. "You three should go on to class. I will have the pertinent information by lunch, if you could stop by then."

"Right on, Giles," Buffy said. She grabbed her backpack off a table and headed out, Willow and Xander on her heels. Willow waved, and Xander's eyes followed Buffy as he left.

:#:

Biology, American History, and Trig later, the Scoobies returned to the library.

They found Giles behind the checkout counter, his glasses off, and massaging his temples with his fingertips. He had only two things on the counter in front of him: a slim, leather-bound book and a bottle of aspirin.

He looked up as they entered, and murmured, "Oh, wonderful."

Buffy walked to the table in the center of the room and dropped her bag on the ground beside a chair. "Find anything?" she asked. Xander and Willow joined Buffy at the table.

Giles picked the book up off the counter and made his way over to his Slayer. He held the book out to Buffy, open to an illustration. "Is this the demon that you saw last night?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, that's the guy," Buffy nodded. Xander and Willow looked over her shoulder, and they both nodded, as well.

"Definitely," Willow added.

Giles sighed and pulled the book back to him. "Yes, it is as I feared."

"Bad one, G-man?" Xander said.

Giles ignored him and sat down in one of the chairs. "The demon is a My'Khorhl, an escapee of a very distant and strange dimension called Kh'Vesch. This dimension is very different from ours, so much so that the magic necessary to escape and travel to our dimension distorts the traveler on every level: physically, mentally, magically, even psychologically. Even the demon's weaknesses are drastically altered.

"It is because of this last item -- the demon's only weakness -- that its common, vernacular name is derived." Giles sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Even just thinking about the My'Khorhl demon pained him, it seemed.

"What's its weakness?" Willow asked softly.

"Last night, Buffy, you hurt it with your words." He took a deep breath, paused for a moment, and said, "Specifically, with your puns."

The Scoobies blankly stared at him, their mouths open in shock.

"In the common parlance," Giles said, "the My'Khorhl is often referred to as a" -- Giles winced -- "Pun Demon."

"A what?" Buffy faintly said.

"Pun Demon," Giles repeated. "It can only be hurt through the liberal application of puns -- the worse the pun, the more powerful the hurt."

"Willow, can you hit me, please?" Xander asked. Willow lightly smacked him in the chest. "Okay. That didn't do anything. Giles, did you just say..." He trailed off.

"Yes, I just said, 'Pun Demon,'" Giles snapped.

"Pun Demon?" Willow repeated.

"Yes, it's a bloody Pun Demon!" Giles said.

Xander, Willow, and Buffy looked at one another for a moment, and burst out laughing.

:#:

"D'you think maybe we shouldn't have laughed at Giles back there?" Willow asked nervously. She, Xander, and Buffy sat together out in the courtyard after Giles kicked them out of the library for laughing uncontrollably.

"Will, he was saying Pun Demon," Xander said. "That was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I, for one, think we should be commended for laughing only ten minutes or so. Maybe fifteen. I lost track."

Buffy smiled. "I gotta go with Xander on this one, Willow. That was funny."

"It's actually kind of neat if you think about it," Willow said, "how the magical energy used to get from one dimension to another is so great that it can effect such radical changes in every aspect of the traveler -- it totally comes together with some of my theories regarding the state of physical versus magical energy in the conflicting worlds of science and magic..." She trailed off as she noticed the blank, confused looks on her friends' faces. "And I'm going to shut up now."

"Will, it's not that what you're saying is stupid -- in fact, it's the opposite," Buffy said.

"Exactly," Xander said. "You just have to be super magic and science genius to keep up, and, well, that's not us. Or anyone else but you and Giles, really."

Willow grinned and ducked her head, a bit embarrassed by the praise.

Buffy shook her head. "This is so weird. Usually, I make a joke to start the fight -- but now, the joke is the fight."

Xander held up a finger. "Not just any joke -- a _pun_."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Whatever?" Xander exclaimed as he jerked up straight in his seat. "I'll have you know there is a great and distinguished line of difference between puns and regular jokes--"

"Fine," Buffy said. "You can kill the Pun Demon."

"Awesome," Xander said. "Not a problem. I'm there, Super Pun Boy, at your service."

Willow and Buffy looked at one another, and rolled their eyes together at Xander.

:#:

Xander and Willow went with Buffy on patrol that night. Xander boasted how he was going to kill the Pun Demon. When Buffy asked what puns he planned to use, he said, "Oh, no. You can't plan a good pun, you have to just let it come to you. You have to be one with the pun. A truly great pun is spontaneous, influenced by its surroundings and the circumstance of the moment."

"They're supposed to be bad puns, Xander," Willow pointed out.

"Well, that was Zen -- this is Tao."

:#:

Forty-five minutes into the patrol, there was no sign of the Pun Demon.

"Shouldn't be any risers tonight," Angel's voice came softly from behind them. All three Scoobies gasped and spun to face him. "I got two vampires down by the tomb with the big gargoyle about an hour ago, though."

"Not hunting vamps tonight, Deadboy," Xander said. "We're looking for the Pun Demon."

"Don't call me that," Angel reflexively said. He turned to Buffy. "Have you see--" He cut off, and his brows dove down even further over his eyes. He turned back to Xander. "Did you just say 'Pun Demon'?"

"Maybe you can help -- you're used to biting remarks," Xander said. Angel looked at him strangely, and Xander shook his head. "Ask Buffy; there's no way you're going to believe it from me."

Angel turned to Buffy. She grinned, and explained the basics of the Pun Demon to Angel -- weaknesses, strengths, and how to kill it. Angel tilted his head, obviously wondering whether she was teasing him, when the Pun Demon attacked.

It dropped down from the trees above them and went for the strongest fighter first -- Buffy. A long, double-hinged arm swung out and caught her in the chest. Buffy flew back twenty feet until her head clipped a branch and she flipped violently to the ground.

Angel roared, grabbed the demon by the shoulder, and threw it away from Willow and Xander, in the opposite direction from where Buffy landed. His game face came out as he leapt after the demon, which twisted in mid-air and landed on its feet.

Willow ran over to Buffy; Xander stared at Angel and the Pun Demon as they fought. Angel fought well, and landed several blows against the demon's tough, leathery skin, but nothing seemed to phase it.

And Xander couldn't think of a single pun.

"Little help!" Angel yelled as he struggled with the demon.

"I'm thinking!" Xander yelled back. "You can't rush genius, you know!"

Angel dropped to his knees as the demon landed a heavy right to his face. "Try!"

Xander glared at the vampire. "For an immortal, you sure are impatient," he grumbled.

"That's pithy, not punny!" Angel yelled, and connected with a strong roundhouse kick. The demon ignored the blow and continued to pound Angel.

"Picky!" Xander mumbled under his breath.

Angel heard him. "Prick!" he growled back.

Willow had heard enough. She spun around from where she tended Buffy and screamed at both of them, "Alliteration isn't punny!"

:#:

Buffy opened her eyes just as Willow turned back to her. Her head hurt something fierce, but she could already feel the Slayer healing kick in to take care of it.

"Hey, you okay?" Willow asked.

Buffy groaned. "Yeah. Help me up."

Willow took her hand and pulled her up to her feet. Buffy leaned against her for a moment as the world spun, but then everything went back to how it should be and she let go. Xander stood about twenty feet away, and had a look of intense concentration on his face. Angel fought the demon hand-to-hand just beyond Xander.

"Um, Angel does know you can't make puns with your fists, right?" Buffy asked Willow.

"I heard that!" Angel growled.

The brief flash of irritation was enough for the demon to get through his guard. It grabbed the vampire by the chest and threw Angel directly into Xander. As they both fell awkwardly, the demon turned to face Willow and Buffy.

"I expected Angel to put up a more stiff resistance," Willow commented to Buffy.

A shallow cut opened on the demon's face.

"Well, you know how punshine affects vampires," Buffy said to Willow.

Another shallow cut opened on the demon's face. It roared and ran toward the girls.

Buffy stepped forward. "Okay, buster, let's get ready to pun-ble."

The demon roared again, but this time from pain. As it staggered and almost fell, Willow stepped up next to Buffy. "You may be strong," Willow said, "but there can be only pun."

The demon stopped, tilted its head, and looked at Willow strangely.

" _Highlander_ ," Willow explained.

The demon roared in pain again, and a large gash opened across its belly.

"You think this is painful?" Buffy asked scornfully. "I've only just be-pun to fight. You got lucky I wore sleeves -- normally, I bare arms when I hunt demons."

The demon screamed in agony and dropped to its knees in front of the girls.

Xander and Angel walked over to stand beside them. "Ladies," Xander said, "are you wearing new pants tonight? Because, I gotta say -- your puns are lookin' smokin' hot."

Buffy, Angel, and Willow all winced at Xander's pun. The demon made a sharp, gutteral noise and then dropped face-first to the ground, dead.

Xander nodded. "See? I told you that demon was all mine."

"That was _horrible_ ," Angel said.

"What?" Xander exclaimed.

"Yeah, I gotta agree," Buffy said. "The idea was to kill it, not bludgeon the rest of us into committing suicide along with it."

"It wasn't _that_ bad!"

"Yeah, it was," Buffy said. She took Angel's arm in her hand, and the two of them walked away together.

Xander watched them leave for a moment, then turned to Willow. "Come on, Will -- you got my back, right?"

Willow winced. "Sorry, Xander, but it really was bad," she said.

Xander sighed, and looked down at the ground.

"I still love ya, though," Willow said.

"Thanks, Will," Xander said. He slung his arm around Willow, and she wrapped hers around his waist as they followed Buffy and Angel out of the cemetery.


End file.
